Walking Around in Circles

620737_10151173566471907_1292095463_oSometimes our ‘stepping’ may resemble more of a dizzying, twirling motion than actual progression. Such has been my life recently, I get a few moments of clarity when it all seems possible and then bang…it all goes dark again. I start beating myself up for stuff beyond my control, and then I start self diagnosing. Well here’s the conclusion I came to yesterday…

Ok…wait for it…drum rolls please…I’m HUMAN! I don’t want to carelessly sweep away the possibility that I’m being used as the ‘Devils toy’  because yes, of course he loves to see us down and is always around waiting to devour…but I’m pretty confident that he’s not the one in control of my life. How do I know? Well…even in the purest of darkness I can sense my LORD…He sends me Angels to minister to me. The darkness itself is different…it’s not evil and hateful…it’s more of a hungering…a longing…for more love, more beauty (not for less)…more of HIM I guess. Not because He’s not there…I know that…but when He hides Himself, I forget. In my forgetfulness, yes…I’m capable of reaching out and trying to replace Him with other gods…I am sinful…He rescues me, time and time again…I do not need to fear Him not wanting me. In my humanness, I also struggle with physical issues that come from being an aging woman, with emotional issues that come from the choices I’ve made…some good others not so much…both have taken its toll. Why am I saying all of this? Because it’s something that I want each of you to remember if you are ever in my shoes…I’m older…let that be of some good for somebody.

Then today there was this …

I’m having a good morning with my son (with Autism) I’ve decided to stop feeling bad for what he can’t do and embrace what he CAN! That involves me being realistic with what level he’s actually functioning at…embrace what it is and work from there…instead of getting us both frustrated at trying to work at a higher level. Hmm…maybe this applicable to me too. I have amazing friends who have reached incredibly high spiritual levels…this is obviously why they put up with me…but I’m NOT where they are…and I can’t get all frustrated about not being THERE…I can just do the best I can HERE!

So yes…I keep stepping along…not always a straight path, but I believe that progress is being made after all.

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